I got herpes after leaving a 20-year relationship. Here’s why it’s not a big deal

Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.
Alaina Luxmoore is a trustee on the New Zealand Herpes Foundation (NZHF) board, an organisation aiming to make information about the virus accessible to all.
Sir Graham Henry, Ashley Bloomfield and a group of other Kiwi celebs are fronting a new campaign to make New Zealand the best place in the world to have herpes. And odds are you, too, have got herpes, along with 80% of all New Zealanders.

When Alaina Luxmoore,
a 43-year-old Auckland woman, first noticed something didn’t feel right “down there”, she organised an appointment with her doctor, but says she was “praying that it was HPV. Which is not cool”.

HPV is a virus commonly associated with cervical cancer but, unlike herpes, it typically isn’t a lifelong diagnosis. It also doesn’t have the same stigma attached to it despite the herpes simplex virus (or HSV) being one of the most common viruses in the world.
Luxmoore cried in the appointment when her doctor told her that her sores looked like herpes, and for the next couple of days after receiving her HSV-1 diagnosis.
She’d just got out of a 20-year relationship with her ex-husband and had spent the past year in her “cougar MILF era” as she put it. This diagnosis brought that to an end – although not because of the physical symptoms of HSV.
For most people, their first outbreak is the worst, with often painful sores and blisters around the genitals and mouth. After that, the physical impact of the virus is typically minimal, particularly with the help of antiviral medication and other means of strengthening the immune system.
Luxmoore had only a couple of outbreaks in the months following her diagnosis and otherwise hasn’t had any symptoms in the six years since.
However, like Emily*, a single Christchurch-based woman in her 30s, it’s the emotional impact of the virus that makes many people feel they can’t have casual sex or date anymore.
“You feel like you’re gonna be more vulnerable with people before you’ve even decided if you want to sleep with them or not,” said Emily, who got her HSV-2 diagnosis three years ago.
That’s because disclosing a herpes-positive status puts you at risk of being judged according to the stereotypes that claim carrying this virus means you must be promiscuous, dirty or having unprotected sex.
However, the reality is someone could contract herpes from their first sexual partner even if they used protection. It can also be contracted non-sexually from skin-to-skin contact like kissing, leading to cold sores, which, despite common misconceptions, are oral herpes.
Luxmoore once got blocked when she disclosed her status to a past partner. Other than that, she and Emily say people usually express genuine curiosity about HSV or share that they – or someone they’ve dated previously – carried the virus.
“If somebody’s willing to judge you based on something that has nothing to do with what you can offer as a human being, then they don’t deserve your time,” Luxmoore says about the possibility of receiving a negative response.
Whether it’s to a partner, friends or a doctor, talking about this experience is an important way to reduce the depressive thoughts that 30% of people diagnosed with herpes experience.
Luxmoore was in a unique position when receiving her diagnosis because she’d worked as a freelancer for the New Zealand Herpes Foundation for years before that, exposing her to an office of people speaking candidly about the virus. She utilised their free herpes helpline in the days after being diagnosed and shares advice to other herpes carriers that, “if they’ve never told anybody, just start by telling one person and let people surprise you with their openness and supportiveness”.
“Every time I told someone, it was another proof that they had it and I never knew or that they knew someone that had it.”
Luxmoore has been dating her boyfriend for a handful of years and has a blended family of five sons who all know she carries the virus. She’s also a trustee on the New Zealand Herpes Foundation (NZHF) board. The organisation aims to make information about the virus accessible to all and is essential work for other carriers. Emily has used the foundation’s service and recommends it to others who want more information about the virus. Her advice is “stay off Google”.
“There’s so little knowledge about it there,” Emily says. “So you Google herpes, and Google just shows you the worst of the worst.”
Accessing information from reliable sources like NZHF helps to reduce the misinformation that exists around this virus while building an understanding of how common it is. This makes it easier for New Zealanders to get to the place Emily is at, where she says, “I don’t even think about it.”
The NZ Herpes Foundation campaign, launched on Global Herpes Awareness Day (October 13), enlisted well-known Kiwis to help explain what herpes is, how common it is and how to help fight the associated stigma.
Professional boxer and Celebrity Treasure Island contestant Mea Motu told the Herald she often gets cold sores after fights, and judgmental looks because of them.
“People would look at me because of all my sores on my lips and to me, like, it was just normal,” she said.
“The fact that people are like, you know, comfortable commenting on that and pointing it out to someone is nuts. And I just find it so disgusting that people want to belittle people for simple little sores.
“Those sorts of things pop up when you’re run down, when you’re feeling a bit s***, and then on top of that people point them out and make you feel even worse.
“If we can normalise it and let it be okay, then it gives people the courage to be like, ‘There’s nothing wrong with me’, and then they’re able to step outside and still be themselves.”
Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.
*Names have been changed
Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.